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THE FLYTRAP MURDERS
by Daniel Jenkins
OVERALL: The lurid atmosphere and shady
characters echo the detective noir films of the fifties. The setting of
a city without laws is reminiscent of the hopelessness in CHINATOWN. The
love affair- the seedy heroine with the troubled past and the distraught
young man that cannot resist her is particularly juicy. Some of the scenes
play too predictably to the genre and the protagonist's relationship to
his deceased father needs to be bolstered. The writer has an original
voice with clever, economical dialogue. The story has great potential
to be a provocative genre picture.
CHARACTERS: Most of the characters are well
drawn and complex. The back-story of the deceased father is essential-
his impact on others is the only way we can find out who he was. We meet
supporting characters that have stories about him- how he was a drug addict,
a fighter, a ladies man. However, what is missing is how he affected his
own son. Jim is depicted as a slacker, a fly-on-the-wall with no responsibilities-
someone who has never been able to hold down a job, a sort of wandering
loser. This sort of sympathetic "everyman" anchors the story,
but he is the protagonist- we need something more to grab onto. If he
is a loner he does not have as much to lose; the stakes are lower. What
does he want? A girl to fall in love with? To resurrect his father's nightclub?
To know his father more intimately by tracking down the people that once
knew him? His struggle is too interior- it needs to be flushed out. Consider
ways to externalize his internal emotions. If he wants to continue being
alone, does he spurn the heroine at first? Or perhaps he doesn't want
to know his father for fear of what kind of man he really was. This interior
journey is what provides resonance to the story - the audience will question
whether the protagonist will succeed, but they are more concerned with
how he succeeds.
The supporting characters are well depicted; they conform to the rules
of the suspense genre. Brody is a classic cop- moral to a fault; nothing
stands in the way of the law. Bethany is a wonderful femme fatale- a scheming
seductress- she still manages to capture the reader's sympathy. In the
chess game between Brody and Bethany, Jim sometimes gets lost. It is important
to reaffirm why Jim has come back into town.
STRUCTURE: The first act is properly structured.
We have the inciting incident on page five- Jim's father is murdered which
invites Jim into town and propels the detective to take up the case. These
scenes are tight and crisp- the writer starts deep into the scene and
cuts out early, giving the reader just enough information to keep turning
the pages. The second act could benefit from a few more twists and turns;
there are few surprises. The second act does know when to break structure,
but plot twists are not developed, particularly Bethany's twist that she
had been Jim's father's lover. This should be a climax at the end of Act
2 or even at the beginning of the final act. As it stands, it comes in
too early. Also, more attention should be given to the threats received
by Brody to leave the case. These threats should escalate culminating
in a climax where it is revealed why these threats were so serious. Each
sub-story needs the proper beats, and should also follow a beginning,
middle, end structure.
Overall, the story could be tightened. The entire script could come in
at 115 pages without losing a beat.
STAKES: The stakes are raised immediately
when Jim decides to open up a nightclub despite threats from the drug
dealer. The stakes escalate when one of Jim's workers is killed. How does
Jim react to this? Brody is called in, and the police take the case. But
why isn't Jim more careful- he could potentially be the next victim. As
his relationship with Bethany grows more intense, the threats to her safety
should escalate. The drug addiction that threatens their relationship
is poignant, but could be pushed farther. What does Bethany give up when
she's on a binge? How does it affect her health, her attitude, and her
speech? The stakes should be raised when she's on heroin.
CONFLICT: There are many intersected storylines-
some more convincing than others. A classic detective genre usually works
best with an "A", "B", and "C" storyline.
More focus could be given to these three storylines- (A) Jim's fight to
keep his father's bar, (B) Jim's tempestuous love affair with Bethany,
and (C) the Detective's pursuit for the killer of Jim's father. As it
stands, there are too many sub-plots that detract from the major storylines.
These sub-plots serve best when giving the story its gritty tone and setting,
but they are only important to the story inasmuch as they help add dimension
to the "A" story. By detracting from the main story, they have
the unintended effect of blurring the focus and losing the audience's
attention. There is a fine line to walk here: the sub-plots are necessary
to provide cutaways from the main action, but they cannot be so far removed
from it so as to appear unrelated.
BELIEVABILITY: The noir tone is efficiently
set up from the beginning. We know this a lawless world where criminals
run the streets. Character motives are believable. The plot has a few
holes- the major one being Bethany's revelation that she has worked with
the drug dealer and the drug dealer used to work for Jim's dad. This is
a heavy plot twist and needs to be set in Act Two. Maybe Jim could be
tipped off or even warned that Bethany had a past with the drug dealer.
DIALOGUE: Solid. The dialogue accurately
reflects the characters' ages and genders and for the most part moves
the story along. Bethany has some memorable one-liners. Jim's dialogue
is rather uniform, but it is consistent. Some of Brody's dialogue fades
out of genre. It could be sharpened with police slang. There are a few
moments when the subtext is revealed too obviously, resulting in "on
the nose" exchanges. Try to utilize the subtext more to reveal character
through behavior and not dialogue.
OTHER CONCERNS: There were several typo's-
p.6 "hes" instead of "his" p.19 "Brody's needle"
should be "Bethany's needle". Description includes too much
stage direction. Set up where the characters are, but don't be extraneous.
Also, characters are given lots of parenthetical emotion i.e. (feisty)
(devious)- let the dialogue speak for itself. Lastly, there is some concern
with a few lines of dialogue that seem to push the limit of the tone that
is established from page one. It adds a nice flavor to Brody's character
that he is able to step back and take a comedic jab at the progress of
the case, but the comedy can only be a breed of humor found within the
world of the noir genre - ironic, self-effacing, despairing. Beware of
stepping out of this genre for the sake of small relief.
BUDGET: Over $5 million- one big set piece
in the warehouse, lots of gunplay, no major special effects.
GRADE: CONSIDER
* All scripts receiving a grade of CONSIDER are eligible for a re-submission
at a discounted rate. Re-submitted scripts receive a minimum of one full page of informal
notes on the rewrite changes as well as the opportunity for circulation.
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